Once Upon a Time I was a Runner

I remember it fondly. I used to go out for runs in peace and quiet. Listen to podcasts and feel accomplished. Then something changed. I followed the elimination diet, I felt so much better, and I no longer felt motivated to run to feel better. I already felt better without all the hard work of running. Though, the elimination diet was a different kind of hard work.

Instead, my weeks have been spent sitting idle, crocheting my way through project after project. I’ve been fascinated by creating the best fitting shrug. This one I made turned out to be a bit too small using up leftover yarn from other projects.

Still, I trekked on trying to create another shrug that was in red, white, and blue. Chris laughed at me and said if I wore it I would look a bit wacky. So, I turned that into a small blanket for what purpose it will serve has yet to be determined.

And since we’ve adopted Jeter, once the children are in bed my evenings look more like this:

And this:

Jeter has been a lot of work, a bundle full of energy, and so have the kids. I am finding myself usually wiped out mentally and physically by the end of each evening.

Also, I’ve been using a large majority of my time to bake and cook gluten-free, too. I’ve become quite obsessed with getting recipes right and making it work as to make other people happy when they might eat my baking.

I’m learning entirely new skills and food reactions in the process which takes time. A new subject I’m trying to cram overnight for… It’s just not how lifelong learning works.

Once upon a time, I felt like a runner. Now, I’m unsure who I am and who I’d like to be.

This is a season with a reason, but not a change for a lifetime. I’ll get my running motivation back, but for now I’m stepping away to give myself time without pressure. It might be for a few weeks, it might be just for one more day since I’m finally writing about my loss of running love. Who knows?

I have a half marathon coming up in about three weeks of which I may walk the entire thing or drop down to the 5k. I feel like I care, but I don’t care at the same time. Is it possible to feel both?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m not reaching far enough and my motivation is lost on not so lofty goals. I want to run a marathon, but really in my heart, I want to take part in ultras even more so. I don’t see myself as a regular marathon runner. I would love to go out for hours at a time, see how far my body can go.

Do people skip the marathon and go straight to ultras? I think I’ve read a story or two.

This time next year, I’m sure it’ll be quite a different story. Runners lose motivation all the time. I’ve lost it many times before. I just need to get back in tune with what my body wants to do and stop beating myself up over my lack of running, lack of speed, or lack of desire.

Come back to me running, I need you.

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